Underpants.

We had a small party the other night. A gathering of sorts. A shin-dig.

At least, it was meant to be a gathering, a shin-dig. It was never really intended to be a full fledged, full blown "par-tay", that's just what came about. The party grew, organically, out of the small, rushed "movie night." It grew very quickly, learning and growing at a geometric rate, like The Terminator. Maybe that's what it was. It was the "Terminator" of parties. It was certainly strange, but things started, calmly enough, with all of us downstairs playing games and watching movies.

Myself, my girlfriend, my brother and sister, a friend of my sister's, a friend of mine, and the dogs, were all present and accounted for, and were the only few who had shown up to honor the commitment of said shin-dig.

We played Clue, while watching Jaws, and gorged ourselves on pizza, chips, and soda. It was a fun time. There was much merriment and Simpson's quoting (particularly during the too short-lived round of "Simpson's Scene It"). Good times were had by all, despite the somewhat small turn out. People started getting ready to leave around midnight, but that's when things took a sudden turn for the different.

While in the bathroom, I discovered that I had accidentally put my underpants on backwards.

Now, it's an interesting thing, but people don't realize what happens when one accidently puts on their underpants backwards and then discovers the mistake. It's a realization that is so strong and suggestive, that it opens up a rift in time and space, and everything you know to be true and constant in the cosmos changes until you reverse the backwards boxers.

Let me explain.

You see, there are certain things in life that you take for a certainty. They will always be there for you to put your trust in (you hope). When you wake up for instance, you put a lot of trust in the floor. You trust the floor to be there when you get up. You don't check for floor before stepping out of bed. You just get out of bed, and floor is there waiting for you. That's a lot of blind trust, if you ask me. It didn't work out too well for a good friend of mine in elementary school, who stepped out of bed only to find that the floor had gone to the local pub for fish and chips that day. He fell when he went to leave his bed, and is likely still falling.

Now, your underpants are similar in many ways. You put on your own underpants, so you do have some control in their reliability. They get worn and are eventually replaced, but they are always there to do the job they've been given (though I'm not entirely sure what that job is). Despite all of this, they still have that same amount of trust put into them. You put those babies on and whamm-o, you are set for the day.

Well, not this time. I put them on backwards.

At first, there was no change in anything. I noticed the backwards underpants, but decided not to address it. I stepped through the door, and I immediately noticed that things were different. That is to say, things weren't quite right. My washboard stomach was a dead giveaway that things were about to get very backward. You see, normally, I don't have a washboard stomach.

The strangeness continued.

Next thing you know, the mild shin-dig went extravagant. The inside of our house was filled with techno and strobe lights. My girlfriend conversed with my friend Jason, who was now one of the bouncers at the door. A line of people waited to gain entry into our little house, which was now the most happening place on the block.

My brother shredded away on an electric guitar, melting the brains of every square within a nine-hundred foot radius. The squares yelled and shouted, holding their ears, "I can't hear my iPad! I can't hear my iPad!" and soon after they would fall to the floor unconscious.

My sister had found a soapbox, and was standing on it, shouting, and recruiting. She had a cause, and in droves the partygoers joined her. They would not rest, she said, until they freed every captive dolphin in Idaho, and replaced each of them with a Mr. Potato Head wearing scuba gear.

Things were getting very backward indeed, and when I stepped out of the house, to observe the rest of the world, the strangeness continued and grew even stranger.

Dogs were meowing and cats were barking. Fish and bird married and lived wherever they liked. Recycling helped the environment. The wasting of paper meant the cutting down of rainforests, and the ozone had a dangerously big hole in it.

The police became very interested in serving and protecting. The people began electing the most appropriate candidates to government with a disregard to money or slander, and the politicians were for the well being of the people, the truth, justice, and the American way. Santa Claus, and The Tooth Fairy released statements opposing the war, and that ever hazy grey line regarding who is with us and who is against us was more solid and clear than any line I've ever seen.

Hardcore Christian's behaved hardcore Christ-like, following in his teachings, accepting people, feeding the poor, things like that. Church collection plates went to the needy. No one raised an eye when a priest took an interest in kids (not only that, but they had no reason to). The Pope was actually able to commune with God. Church and state remained completely separate, and the state took no interest in trying to define "marriage".

The media was reporting the facts, leaving the audience to opine for themselves. Computers uncomplicated our lives. People didn't use their cell phones when it seemed rude. Nobody talked during the movies, and worst of all AC/DC did not rock.

At this startling revelation, I realized something had to be done. I rushed to my room, and switched my underpants back to the correct wearing style. My head began to swim. The cieling opened up, and the most vibrant colors entered the atmosphere around me. The colors swirled and danced, and every time a streak of blue scraped by me, it would sooth my very soul. I looked up as the stars all became comets, and fired across the sky like beautiful marbles of light. Then my legs lifted up off the floor, and I levitated there a moment, just to enjoy the serenity of the scene, before slowly blacking out.

When I woke up, I reentered the shin dig. The small gathering was over, and people were leaving. I was back in Kansas again.

“Later, Brendan. Thanks for having us,” they said.

“Later. Thanks for coming,” I replied. They left.

All was quiet. Things were back to normal, and thank God they were. Thank God.
Thank God, because normal is normal, and because that’s the way that people want it.