Everyone's A Critic

In trying to keep up my writing, or get back into my writing, or...something...I've decided to put on my critic’s hat and write a review of something we tried this week.

I live in West Orange, New Jersey, and for years I’ve frequented the Essex Green movie theater, located in the Essex Green shopping center. The movie theater has undergone many different changes and incarnations in that time, but it’s always been a local hotspot.

Recently, though, they made a new change. AMC took a risk, and I have to say, I think I like the results.

Now, I need to preface this review by disclosing the fact that I am, admittedly, a 100%, full fledged, elitist, movie theater snob. I’m the obnoxious guy who feels that every theater outing should be perfect. I’m the guy who complains that the screen is too cloudy, or that the sound is too low. The theater is dirty. I can hear the projector clicking in the booth. The picture is moving around. The lights didn’t come down enough etc. etc. etc., and that’s all before the movie even starts. To me, movie going is a religious ritual. Conditions need to be set for perfect comfort so that you can slip away from your boring, average, mundane life, and explore the great imaginary beyond.

As I said, I’m an “Elitist movie theater snob.”

That’s why I was unsure of what to expect from the Essex Green movie theater’s newest incarnation. It has been transformed into an AMC Dine-In Theater. Dinner and a movie, rolled into one. About a year or two ago I heard a report on NPR about this kind of theatergoing experience, and how it was catching-on (particularly, on the west coast). AMC just opened 3 locations in NJ (I’m assuming as a feeler before opening more).

Here’s how it works:

First, you choose your movie. This will dictate what kind of “experience” you’re going to take part in. They have 2 different experiences. The “Fork and Screen” and The “Cinema Suites”.

What’s the difference? Fork and Screen is $20.00 up front, per person. That includes admission to your movie, and a $10 credit toward your meal. This is non-refundable, so right off the bat you need to plan on having food. If you watch the movie and just have a soda, don’t expect to get $8 back because you didn’t use it. No one under 18 is admitted without a parent/guardian (an element I adore, especially at this location).

Cinema Suites is $25.00 up front, per person. In this case, the cost includes admission and a $15 credit toward your meal. Cinema Suites has a slightly more extensive menu than Fork and Screen, has a smaller patron capacity, and no one under the age of 21 is admitted.

There’s really no way to choose which experience you’ll be going into, since movies are not shown in both options. Whatever movie you see is shown either in Fork and Screen OR Cinema Suites. I’m assuming that due to the age restrictions and the movie demographics, family friendly movies, action movies, summer blockbusters etc., are typically going to be shown in Fork and Screen, while heavy dramas, art house sleepers, and date-night type movies will be shown in Cinema Suites.

When you buy your tickets, you also choose where in the theater you’ll be sitting, since seating is reserved. Anyone who’s ever gone to live theater, concerts, etc., will be familiar with this part of ticket ordering. I found this to be a key element. Being the movie snob that I am, I always put high value on where in the house I sit. I usually like to be as center as possible, however that changes with Dine-In theater. You have to keep in mind that waiters are going to be serving food throughout the film. More on that later, but seat selection can reduce the amount of distraction that will cause. In our case, we chose the seats that were closest to the wall. That way, anytime a waiter came close enough to be a distraction, it was because they were helping us. Everyone else was to our left. Considering that each theater is different, I’m sure this part will be tricky. You’ll have to start memorizing the layout of each theater. At least if my movie is in theater 9, I know where I’ll want to sit.

You order your tickets, you go to your theater, you find your seat location, and you sit back in a chair that rivals the best la-z-boy on the market. These are very large, leather seats that recline far back enough to be considered a hospital bed. The seating is a stadium set-up, and arranged so well that anything happening on the next tier down from you is completely out of sight. A tray table swivels in front of you for when your meal or drink arrives, and you have a table to your right or left for anything else you need. The seats are mostly set up in pairs, so if you’re there with your Lady, you can just lift the armrest to create a loveseat. If you’re there with your best buddy, the armrest remains heterosexually secure with cup holders big enough to fit the most gargantuan of Big Gulps.

The arm table next to each seat has a menu, knife and fork, napkin, ketchup, salt, pepper, etc. The menu selection is essentially the same as any TGIFridays, Applebees, Chilis, etc., and in the same price range. Not only that, but they offer a full wine/beer list.

When you’re ready to order, you push a button and a waiter is called to you. Throughout the movie, anytime you need a waiter, he/she is only the push of a button away. We found that most of the people in our theater ordered during previews, so the food arrived to the seats during the first act of the movie. I have to say, it was not as distracting as I expected it to be. As I mentioned before, we had a pretty sweet location where the only time a waiter came near us, was actually for us. I was also worried about how all of this would affect the noise level during the film, but to my great surprise, the movie volume was much louder than usual. That was a huge plus. I love my movies loud, and it seems like AMC has compensated for the chance of noisy silverware, order taking, etc. Also, when you consider the price of the overall experience (which I’ll discuss again in a moment), it has a certain affect on the patrons. Since nobody wants to spend this kind of money and not enjoy themselves, people tend to be a little more considerate than the usual guy who spent 10 bucks on his ticket.

Now, as far as the pricing goes, it does sound steep at first. However, once you work it all out, it is really no more expensive than dinner and a movie. As I mentioned, you’re paying for $10-15 of your meal in the initial ticket price. This is automatically taken off of your bill when it’s brought to you toward the end of the movie. We each got an appetizer, an entrée, and a drink. The total bill (food & tax) was $46.oo. $30 of that was automatically removed at the bottom of the bill, so I only payed $16. I tipped the waitress $10 (a little over my usual 20%), bringing the entire evening’s tab to $76.oo and change. Again, it sounds steep, but consider this. Let’s say you go out to dinner first, you get the same meal, 2 appetizers, 2 entrees, 2 sodas, making it a tab of $46.00. You tip the waiter $10, there’s $56.oo. Next, you go to your movie. $10 each, brings you to $76.oo and maybe you get a soda or a popcorn which is easily $4-$11 or more. That brings the grand total to $80+ for the evening.

Obviously every scenario is different, but the fact remains that pricewise this set up is the same, if not cheaper, than the usual dinner and a movie. Not only that, but if you’re looking to definitely save on something, you’re certainly going to save on time, because you’ve cut about an hour of restaurant-ing from your evening. Now, of course, that doesn’t help first-daters or any kind of situation where you would want to strike up a conversation. Having said that, the theater’s lobby has been converted into a full-fledged bar, complete with tables, chairs, bartender, local drunk, you name it. If you are uninteresting enough to take a first date here, you can arrive early or stay late and hang out in the bar and chat it up there. The same goes for if you’re meeting a group of friends, or out on a regular date-night with your spouse.

It might seem that I’m gushing on and on, but in all honesty the impression that the evening left on me was very positive. There were definitely some cons too, of course. For one thing, the cleanliness of the place can be improved. I’m not saying that it was dirty, but when you’re trying to sell your all new dine-in theater “experience” as “fine dining”, then the menu shouldn’t have a sticky smudge mark on the cover, the swivel tray table shouldn’t already have scratches/marks. I know, I know, “nitpicky”. These truly minor hiccups wouldn’t usually even register on my scale, but AMC set the bar very high for itself. Naturally, every minor flaw is going to seem much bigger than it really is.

Also, I wish somebody had thought to add something like a low-light desk lamp to the food trays. Our food came during the movie, so it was really pretty dark. For whatever reason, it bugged me that I couldn’t see my food. I found myself shining my cell phone over my tray, just to get a glimpse before I dug in. If each tray had a non-adjustable, strategically positioned lamp, it would help.

The other big con is the atmosphere that this creates. I’m very overjoyed to see the end of Essex Green being the go-to place for audience participation during every movie. However, the addition of the dining to the movie will likely create a kind of lax environment for patrons that would normally be quiet and polite. People want to talk while they’re eating together, and something tells me that this will somehow subconsciously suggest that it’s okay to do so during the film. We only had 8-10 people in our theater, so I can’t be sure of this yet, but I don’t know that I’d want to find out. I think that when I do go back to the Dine-In, I’ll generally make sure to do it all in the same way. Choose a weeknight (Mon-Thurs), choose a movie that’s not going to draw the biggest crowd, and choose an obscure show time. I choose most of the movies I see in this fashion, and I think it applies doubly in this case. The fewer people there are, the more enjoyable your experience will be.

Overall, I think I’d go back and try this more than once! We had a great time, and it was a nice change. Sadly, I can’t say that I’m overly confident in the theater’s chances of survival in the Essex Green location. The local clientele is really not their target audience, so the only way I see this catching on is if they advertise like crazy to the surrounding area. Also, as I’ve mentioned a few times, this is definitely not an every-weekend, or even an every-movie kind of thing. Being a once-in-a-while option is going to make it harder on them, especially in a location that was a thriving teen attraction. However, with the right advertising they could make it happen. Just look at places like The Melting Pot. There, a dinner for two plus drinks and tip is easily over $100, but anytime you go it’s a sure bet that you should make a reservation. Even in a down economy, people seem to want to live it up every once in a blue.

Let’s just hope, for AMC’s sake, that there are enough people out there to make every day at AMC Essex Green “once in a blue.”

You can find info and the full menu at http://www.amctheatres.com/BrownieNJ/

Jamaica

This Thanksgiving I had the absolute pleasure of going to Jamaica with my girlfriend for her brother's wedding. We spent 5 days and 4 nights there, and my video camera was almost never out of arms reach. As cheesy as home movies may be, click HERE to be redirected to YouTube for a 13 minute look at our incredible 5 day trip.

A thought.

Fuckin' musicians. They have it easy.

Art, to me, is the communication of emotion through any medium. Music, to me, is a pipeline straight into the soul. A musician can go to any crowded place and jam and people will feel it. Me? I'm stuck with words. Try "jamming" with that. Shit. This sucks.

Review 2

The Boss: Brendan, can you come in here a minute?
Brendan: Uh...yeah. Sure.
The Boss: (Sighs) Have a seat.
(Brendan sits)
The Boss: You know, Brendan, i've been looking in your blog, doing my usual review, and based on what i'm seeing, you're not working. At all. I mean, you've done absolutely nothing for the past two months or so. Why is that?
Brendan: ...Oh, um...well. Um... ...Nothing at all?
The Boss: No. Nothing.
Brendan: Um... Well, wait a minute, what about the videos I put up?
The Boss: Brendan, you started this blog to jump start your inner writer. How are bad quality videos about paper bags and poor health habits going to assist in that venture?
Brendan: Yeah, i guess not.
The Boss: Listen, champ. We need to get back on track here, mkay? Try writing a little more often. Doesn't matter what it is. Doesn't need to be anything for publication. The whole point of the blog is random, unworked, unrefined, free-writing.
Brendan: Yeah, I guess that's true.
The Boss: Alright, go get 'em. We'll review your work next time.
Brendan: (Getting up to leave) Right. Right. Thanks.

Lear

This is rehearsal footage from Lear. It's kinda like if Jabba the Hutt were to pick up a lightsaber and fight Yoda while Chewbacca watched from the background.

Anyway...link is HERE.

What I Did In School Today

A little insight into my psyche and daily life.

SUBWAY Monologue

I performed the following monologue tonight at New York Comedy Club as part of The Grown-Up's Playground Improv Company's "SUBWAY" show. I presented it in two parts, but it's meant to be a single piece. I may be returning on a rotating basis as a possible regular in the improv group, too. More on that as it develops.
....................................................................................


I have a confession to make. I’m from New Jersey.
Whoo! Wow! It’s is SO good to get that off my chest! Oh, man! It’s so free-ing!

I’ve lived in New Jersey my entire life, and for a person from New Jersey the subway is a rite of passage. You grow up in New Jersey listening to so much mythology about New York City and the subway. You might as well read Lord of the Rings. “Don’t go down there. The subway is like a labyrinth of underground caves from which you may never return! It’s dark and dirty! There’s a map but only New Yorkers can read it, and if you make a mistake you’ll get on the wrong train and be eaten by the Minotaur, ooh.”

As a result of this, I was 24 years old the first time I ever rode the subway without supervision. Now, there is some crazy shit that goes on down on the subway, but the solution is really kind of simple, and every New Yorker seems to be imbued with it. No matter what happens, as long as no one is getting hurt, everyone stays in their own invisible shell that they can’t see out of.

It’s when people break their invisible shell that things start to get interesting. I’ve done it once or twice. I remember one night I stepped onto a train and it was pretty much empty except for a few. I sit down, and in my periphery I noticed that someone was sitting diagonally across from me, and for a split second, I looked. I swear it was only for a millisecond, a nano-instant, but I made eye contact and this guy went crazy. I’m talking YouTube fuck crazy, and he started shouting at me. Shouting. Angry shouting.

“What, muthahfuckah? What you want? Huh? You see me. I know you see me. You a real vampire muthafuckah, huh? Yeah, you a real vampire lookin’ muthahfuckah!”

The vampire comment really stuck out in my mind because I wasn’t sure how to take it. Whenever I’ve seen a vampire in popular culture, they are usually portrayed as pretty slick looking dudes, so either my self-image is askew, or this guy has seen some pretty hefty vampires in his day.

“What muthahfuckah? What? You vampire, vampire muthahfuckah.” Over and over and over again he’s going on and on and on, and people now are starting to get on the train at other stops. They pay no mind. They stay I their invisible shells. Yeah, it’s the stories like that which keeps the mythology alive.

There was another time I broke the eye contact rule. It was the same station, same platform, waiting for my train. Now I have a little “trick” that I employ every now and again, where I’ll put my iPod earbuds in, but leave the volume low so that I can keep an awareness of the people around me (I’m sure I’m the ONLY ONE to EVER use this brilliant form of espionage). I noticed a guy motioning at me, trying to get my attention. What do I do? I turn, and without even thinking I take the earbuds out of my ears.

There was this guy on a bench. He had a baseball hat, and glasses, and was real frail looking, with a book in his hand. He looked to be in his mid 50’s. He motioned to me,

“Hey, um.
Excuse me?
Eh…
Yeah, could I…
Oh, no, I…

Well…

Sorry, I uh, I didn’t see your earphones, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just wondering if I could ask you a question.

Yeah.

Well, um, I’m…I’m homeless, as you can see, and…uh…well, you see, I, uh…I don’t like to beg because, um, I’m Italian, and I got a lot of pride, I’m very proud, but um….well, I’m down on my luck right now, and um, so, when I see someone that looks like they may be a bit, um…copasetic…[I had to Google that when I got home]
I uh, I like to ask them if they could help me out with a little something, anything, really.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Really. God bless. Really, I appreciate it. God bless. What’s your name? Vernon? Vren… Brendan, oh, ok. Brendan, that’s a good Irish name, right? Yeah, I thought so.

Do you live around here, Brendan?

Oh, yeah? What do you do?

Ohhhh, ok. So you’re an actor? Wow. I’ll bet that’s hard, especially in this city, right? You know, I used to be an actor, when I was much younger.”

That was great. Yeah, that’s exactly what a struggling actor wants to hear from a homeless guy on the subway.

He went on to explain how he had been a child actor a long time ago, and how later he’d lost all of his money in 3 divorces, etc. I kept all of my responses to short, few worded answers, but at one point I said something to him about how I hoped his luck turned around. He tugged at a white hospital bracelet on his wrist and said, “Yeah, well, I…I don’t think I’ll be around much longer, you know, another year or two, maybe.”

That got me. That got me, because while I know that it would take a lot of really bad unforeseeable problems, I could see how that might happen to someone. I could see how I could end up in a situation like that. What if that were me down there on the subway, taking refuge from the cold? After that, whenever I saw him there, I’d throw him a buck or two. Even if his story about being an actor wasn’t true, he performed it so well that he’d earned the dollar.